Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes