[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
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“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.