@PoshTick

[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime

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@robotmouthfarts

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

@RexHuppke

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

@awkwardwit

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

@joejwest

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

@onbrandbrandonn

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

@GeauxSaints79

In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.

@sock_holliday

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

@ohpeetie

I feel sorry for kids today but mostly because their cartoons are terrible.

@notalogin

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.