me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
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[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Cheer up.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
A little too much information.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack