[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime

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Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]


Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”


*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*


ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go


Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.


In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.


The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.


I feel sorry for kids today but mostly because their cartoons are terrible.


You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.