Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

This is my brand.

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…