Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.