Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we did it you guys we saved daylight

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

Livid.

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

More like Kate Missington.

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.