Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom