Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote