Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.