Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*frowns in Scottish*

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

We were playing a board game. My husband and 7yo were on the same team. My 7yo as she put her arm around her dad, “dad, can you smell that? That’s the smell of victory.” It was so cute watching them lose together after I took them down.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?

Fake Gnus

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.