Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.