[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
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him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Everyone’s family
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!