[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
You Might Also Like
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.