Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

Weirdly Wednesday.

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

🤣😂