[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
You Might Also Like
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*