Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

R.I.P.

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”