Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please