Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]