Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

🫡

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”