*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
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this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now