*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
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What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs