Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Don’t we all.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.