Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Canada has crack?

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!