Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

This made me smile…

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??