Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?