Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?