1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
You Might Also Like
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Them: when imma see you
Me: By accident
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink