[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
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Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*