[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

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1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever


Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.


*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now


*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?


It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.


30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.


[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?


If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??


Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink