Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

who’s gonna tell her?

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

bro what is going on at twitter