[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
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Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”