Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

I drew y’all a little something.

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.