[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
You Might Also Like
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
She puts the hot in psychotic
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.