Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.