Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
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9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.
[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
when doctors deliver a particularly big baby they should take a pic with it like it’s a fish
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
[trying to check out girl at grocery store]
cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.