[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
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saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”