[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

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*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?


9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?


POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?


when doctors deliver a particularly big baby they should take a pic with it like it’s a fish


My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil


Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.


It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.


Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”


[trying to check out girl at grocery store]
cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt


Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.