[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
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*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Me: *panicking*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
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