Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

this is the news I live for

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

I can’t stop laughing at this

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it