[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
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I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.