[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
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Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.