@FU_TangClan

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

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@DumbConfessions

*sees couple holding hands*

*violently breaks them apart*

“Go. You’re free now.”

@TodaysResume

During your interview, try ending every sentence with “dot jpg”.

“How would you say you handle job pressure?”

–Not a problem.jpg

@IamEnidColeslaw

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

@4SLars

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

@pleatedjeans

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

@illTortuga

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

@marinhubka

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve