*sees couple holding hands*
*violently breaks them apart*
“Go. You’re free now.”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
pilot: yes I do
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During your interview, try ending every sentence with “dot jpg”.
“How would you say you handle job pressure?”
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it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
if i were a dinosaur id be a chicken nugget
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve