[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Self-cleaning conscience
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.