@FU_TangClan

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

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@TheBeerGuy73

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

@karlainvt

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

@TeflonPawn

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

@Darlainky

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

@Bob_Janke

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

@BGH70

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

@TheMichaelRock

[first date]

me: so what do you do for a living?

her: I study foreign languages

me[trying to impress her] bone apple tea, moon cherry

@ChabbyD

You mix your whiskey with Coke, I mix mine with poor life choices.