The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
pilot: yes I do
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A meeting without food should be an email.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
me: so what do you do for a living?
her: I study foreign languages
me[trying to impress her] bone apple tea, moon cherry
You mix your whiskey with Coke, I mix mine with poor life choices.