[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
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Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
mariah carrie
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.