Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.