Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha