Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

my mind

You just read my mind

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

“our sushi is very fresh”

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids