[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
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My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
yes… yes…
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
New comic up. “Ransom”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me