*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
mumsnet is amazing
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope