Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

a badder mouse

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.