*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
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Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
😭😭
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.