[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
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My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.