[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
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The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
all that yoga finally paid off
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.