[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
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8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”