Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.