Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

I hope you folks are recycling correctly

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

I don’t hate children, just yours.