Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

live, laugh, laundry.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6