[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
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Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.