Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

Had a spot of bother earlier.

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.