Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior