[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
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teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
one week till the election
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.