[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
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How dramatic are you?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Oops 🤭
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things