Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality