Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

How can I say no to this ?

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it