[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
yes… yes…
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
A family that plays together cheats.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.