[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
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[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit