[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
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Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.