[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
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I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*