[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
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“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.