[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
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Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.