[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
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me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.