[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
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“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
synchronized noseblowing
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
girls literally only want one thing..
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
