Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.