[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
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My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Home is where your toilet is.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.