Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

im all 3

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?