(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
You Might Also Like
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!