(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
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WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Every. Damn. Time.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.