*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
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Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I am thick and tired. 🙄
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.