*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
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honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
uh oh
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1.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.